Out with it..

I won't deny the fact that love is actually an attracting topic loved by many. But in this case, it is just not so sweet.

Recently, i got back with her after breaking up for about a month or so. Well this is how it all started.

Me being in 16 at the time when i actually know that she was kinda interested in me. At first it really didn't make sense. Someone like her? Loving a guy like me? that just wasn't right at all. We were almost the total opposites. Well back to the story, she actually expressed her true feelings through MSN later that year, after school holidays started. At first i didn't wanted to believe that that was the truth but her conversations seemed really serious and it was even like 3am in the morning. I don't think anyone would want to pull a prank especially at that time.

Well, to be honest, yes. I had my eyes on her since back when we met up with each other occasionally when i was 16. It was like I had a one sided crush on her, but even then i wouldn't expect her to actually have feelings for me. I mean, i never expected that out of all the guys in her world, she would pick me. Not that I'm unhappy about it, but it was rather disturbing at first. Why? Well like i said, we were so different.

But one month later she decided that she wanted wants to "have a break" stating that lovers need a break once in a while to rethink. I wasn't gonna oppose her in anyway. But it was rather sad and heartbreaking actually. 1 month we were like calling each other sweethearts and loving each other but it was all through the internet of course. Yea, I should have known it wouldn't last, so yea, i gave her the space she wanted. 1 month passed and school started, By then we were back to being complete unknowns to each other again. Well, there were times that i met up with her and walk pass her, I would just say Hi and thats it. I couldn't go any further by saying anything. Its not like i wanted to ignore her the whole time, but I felt that it wasn't right to talk to her after the whole thing. There was one time when she was there alone with me for about 2 hours and i couldn't say a thing. Why? i don't know. She doesn't seem interested in hearing what i had to say; i thought to myself.

Well, it wasn't long till she celebrated her birthday and i managed to get her something. I still don't know how she felt but i was like being so like not me when i was around her. Why? I don't know. Still kinda sad but trying so hard not to show it i guess. So it went on and on, until one day when we went out as a gang to squares.

Here i was forced to pick her up in the LRT station cause her sis had something up and would be late, so now she will come by herself. I hurried to the station for some reason scared that she might already be there. Well, when i got there, i waited for a while and eventually she came. As we went walking back to Squares, Well something happened la, I suddenly became like-gila-not-me person. Well, we were laughing and talking like normal friends do and that was good la. Something else happened when we were about to cross the long long road.

She grabbed my hand. I supposed she would just let go at the other end. But she didn't, instead she grabbed my whole hand and held it across hers. We were like talking like mad mad people and playing around at the streets. I found it rather funny at first. As i tried to let go, eventually she still pulled me, i didn't want to let her go as well. I felt there was something. i wanted something . We went walking around the whole squares with our hands together and it was, pleasant. I remember the Lion Dance. Couldn't forget that.

We met up with the gang and we waited for the movie to start in about 20 minutes or so. Suddenly she got a call from and she got up. She asked me to follow her downstairs to get something. So i did follow her. We raced downstairs, from what i know it was fun. We went searching for 7-11. I accidentally went to the wrong floor so we was forced to go to the ground floor instead. We caught up with her sister and so we made our way back to the theaters and we went on holding each others arms.

On our way there, her sister asked this question 'So you guys got back together?' The both of us was like speechless. Both of us didn't know what to say. Well, i remember asking her once before actually going up stairs "Are we getting back together?" and all i can hear her say was 'I don't know' voices from the background was very interrupting and i didn't got the clear answer. Well, i didn't want to ask her again afraid that she would feel scared or embrassed in a way. I shut up for a while. So we went for the movie i guess. I didn't actually enjoy the movie but some of them really wanted to watch this movie so i didn't show any signs of boredom.

After the movie we went for bowling. So while waiting for the others to pay, i sat down close to her and i guess it was another opportunity to ask her again. So i did, i asked if we were getting back together, she replied saying, I don't know.. I asked her Do you want to? and she said i want to, do you? So we both know that we wanted it. and from then, we were once again reunited. And i was rather happy that we got back together. This time just excited as i ever was.

I didn't really cared about anything else. Now that she said it from her mouth, to my ears and she actually said it to me face to face was enough to prove that she wasn't joking at all about this. It was love and yes, i love her. We were so so in love for the whole month since then. I remember getting her a valentines gift but unfortunately she left minutes earlier or I was rather late. Well Valentines day has just not been my day, "flash backing" the time En Saad whipped my backside for being a busybody. I still can't forget that darn Calvin's face when i got smacked. he was laughing all the way.

So i had to wait till the next day. Following day, I met up with her. I was talking to her and i gave her my valentines card and a small gift. She was smiling all the way. Its nice to see her smile. She is just extra pretty when she does so. At that time, I was crazy about her, i wanted her to be mine. I loved her so much. I expressed how i felt. and she said she felt the same way. Another thing that happened on this day was something special. I can never stop thinking about it. I loved her so much more for that. She was my everything.

We loved each other very much, we kept talking about that day and everything else. Well, days later, there was this day when she called me at night saying that there wouldn't be any transport early enough to bring her home after school. So she was wandering if I couldn't walk her home. Its was a small favor. Well yes i did walk her home that day. Although it was rather a long walk, it was a memorable one. We talked, fooled around, even went quiet at times. She brought me to this place where she liked, it was rather nice with the playground and stuffs. Really brings back old memories when i actually gazed at the scenery.

We were almost there so i tried to find where i was situated. I remember this road or at least tried to. Well she said it was ok from there onwards. She was able to walk home. She called we to the side and gave me something. It was something i didn't thought she would give, although i was honestly hoping for. From then on, i knew she loved me so much and how could i ever been a fool for doubting her. It was something that i would keep as a memory. It was so sweet of her. She went home and i couldn't think straight for a moment. I didn't move, i was stuck in my own world for a few minutes.

Well, skipping the part i walked back home. So we got back to the usually messaging with each other. For one thing i know, i wanted her to mine. I was really addicted to her. She was my everything and I gave her my heart. I told her that she was now part of me and nothings gonna change that. We were both really in love with each other and It just got better and better as days gone by.

One night, she suggested that we go on a date. Well i didn't disapprove, in fact, i was more than happy to go out with her. It was my first date and it was pretty nervous. Well, we started of the day early at 9.30 i guess. So we walked to squares and booked the movie we were gonna watch. We did go for a drink cause 10 was like way to early and nothing much was happening during that time. We went to the top floor and went chatting as well as being quiet for moments. Then we both didn't know where to go.. So we went walking.. I remembered this beautiful scenery on the 3rd floor of squares so I took her there.

It was beautiful just taking a look at it. This point of my life took a big twist when something on happened. I gave her what i owe her and It would always be something that i will never ever forget. Well, that wasn't until she actually said that we were going way to fast. This point i remember shedding a few drops. I didn't actually showed it to her. I didn't see her happy and probably she isn't. Maybe it was that. I felt really wrong. I was angry at my own actions. But i tried not to ruin anything and keep my emotions to myself. Maybe by now she isn't feeling the love that we once had anymore.

So, we just watched the movie. In the theater though, we got close to each other, in some way, I just hoped that she didn't meant what she said earlier and it was a complete joke to try and fool me. Being in the theater, watching the movie wasn't as fun as it should be. So when the movie ended. There was still time to actually go for lunch. Which didn't turn into lunch. She said she was not hungry. Well it was normal for her not being hungry. I don't blame her though. I wasn't hungry too. But i remember that i owed her that Mocha Mud pie.

So we headed to TGIF, and i met up with the guys. Well, we ordered the mocha mud pie and thats it i guess. I sat beside her and i tried to converse with her. At this time, I couldn't actually figure out what type of mood she is it. Its really hard to tell. Cause, its just hard. If you can see it then you'll understand. At that point i kept asking if she was ok or not and stuffs like that la.. I can clearly see something is wrong. She is much different from the first time we went out. I like that time more. She was lively. I didn't like the second version of her. It was as if she was forced to entertain my wackiness.

We left TGIF to back to squares. And she wanted to go back to that spot at the third floor, Only higher. Well, I just followed her and we ended up going back to the third floor. Again it. It was sweet. And it was running late she had to rush back to the LRT. So i followed her. Teman her until the end there. Then she said thank for the date. it was fun. I honestly felt that it was not a good move to tell her about how i didn't like it so i said I had fun too.

I couldn't help but to figure out why was she that way. I felt so wrong. So disturbed. It was like she was forced to do something she doesn't want to. I had the feeling that it wasn't gonna last very long. I didn't want that to happen. After all we've been through, i didn't want that to happen. I love her so much. But I had this stupid feeling that haunts me that it seems that she didn't feel the same way about me. I actually liked her more when we first went out now that was more than anything..

Days later i received a message from her. She said she wants to 'let me go' and that she can't concentrate on her studies. It was a total heart break. I was really devastated with her decision. I went to my room sobbing away. I can't help but do so. After all that we've been through. She mentioned that we can still be friends. I didn't really cared much what she had to say after that. All i know is that I was in the verge of bleeding my heart out.

I wrote another blog just to make her feel less guilty. So i eventually blamed somethings that i didn't do on myself as well as placing myself as the downfall of this relationship. I also lied when i said i would be ok. Come on, who would?

It took me sometime to actually get myself back together about 1-2 weeks. I didn't really care about anything she had to say or do from then on. I was pain to the highest limit. This was the second time that this happened. Well, to her, I was a ghost and to me she was one as well. I couldn't see her or hear her or what ever. I don't think that I could see her face-to-face after this, I had to respect her decision. If I saw her again, that feeling of trying to get her back would take control. It was a difficult thing to go through, giving up something or someone that you love. To get rid of it just like that is extremely difficult. It took me time and I almost got over it. I was back to the old Remon back when i was in form 2. I was okay in every sense expect of my dark attitude.

After 3 weeks since the break up. She sms me asking why am I avoiding her. Well, being angry and all, i was in a ok ok situation where nothing seems to bother me. Well, I didn't know I was avoiding her, i thought she was avoiding me and so I also avoided her. I couldn't possibly tell her something she doesn't want to hear right? Well, it really didn't seem to care actually. She didn't need me. She just don't want anyone to hate her i guess.

4-5 days later, she asked me to come online. She wrote an offline message, something that i didn't expect. And now, probably she felt really guilty of leaving me. She realized what she did was her mistake and she was hoping that I know that she still loves me. She want me to know that when she meant forever, she actually meant it. I didn't understand anything at all. I was still upset with the fact that she failed to understand what i was going through and to make things worse, she didn't even turn to say sorry until that very day. It was really really something sad.

For all I know, she still loves me. I was really angry at this time. But i didn't want to put all my tantrum on her so i tried to be patient. The next day, she came on again. Again she said sorry for hurting me. I just accepted the apology and intended to move on. Thats when i told her, I just wanted her to be happy. Even if it means giving up all my love to you. I don't mind sacrificing all to make you happy. Although it hurts me, as long as you're happy. That was basically what was going through my mind the whole time.

At first, all i wanted to do was just accept the apology and nothing else. I didn't wanted to make up with her. I cared less about getting back together. But eventually, something changed that. I began asking her things and from there i got to know. All this girl ever wanted was someone to talk to. Someone she could share everything with. She used to have a good friend back when she was younger but they were separated.

Having plenty of friends and not having even one who cares about you just hurts, according to her statement. I believe the same and i also sympathized her. I tried placing myself in her shoes to understand that situation. Its just bad. wrong. hard. worrying. She was a sad lonely person after all. All she wanted was a good friend. Then i told her that i would be come her good friend just to cheer her up.

But sometimes it just hard to believe that no one cares about her. Its like, she is always talking so nicely with them and basically seemed to be the happy-go-lucky type. I mean is this a trick or some sort? Why find me back when you seem to have thousands or others out there. I mean, look at me! Why am i that special to you?? I failed to understand you! I failed to love you so much! I failed and failed and failed.. Why do you come back to me? Sometimes its just freaking hard to even think about it..

And most probably she misinterprinted. I mention friends. I didn't want to go anywhere closer than to causing my 3 heartbreak by the same person. But somehow i didn't want her to be sad. So i also told her that i would love her. But for the time being, we maintain as friends. Try to get to know each other better before proceeding.

Thats where She and Me stands right now.

Sometimes I don't even know what am i doing. I just want to make her happy. I have no intentions to hurt anyone or try to make anyone my enemy. I just don't like that. Whatever happens, I just want everyone to be happy.. Sometimes i get carried away when it comes to caring for someone..

Its like that. When you give 100% to someone and at the end of the day you end up breaking up it would just hurt so bad that you forget the whole meaning of love after that. I don't want to go back to the same path again and again. 2 times you have cause me heartache and pain. Probably you might say that I'm weak to accept the girl who broke my heart. No, I'm strong into realizing that everyone makes mistakes.

You must know something. Being in love with a totally different/opposite person from you is very hard. She is smart, She has the looks, she has the money, basically everything. Look at me, I know im not handsome, just perasaan handsome, i'm not smart i'm rather lazy, and the money factor is just up to average. Besides, I'm an extrovert and shes more of a introvert.

All i'm gonna say is, If you want this relationship between me and you to bloom, you gotta do much much more than the previous time.. But I'll admit.. I'm won't put my 100% heart in it like the last time right after what happened to me previously. But my word is my word.. i'll keep my promise. I'll always be here if you need me and i'll love you as long as you love me with all your heart.

I just hope that you actually start being a different you. I don't like to pretend. I don't know why i care too much about others. I think that was it.. My biggest weakness is that i care too much.